the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
