where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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