he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
