Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
