dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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