One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
