dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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