My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
