I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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