There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
