went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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