Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
