Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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