Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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