i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
