Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
