I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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