Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
