Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
