I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
