dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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