I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
