If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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