actually, I'm a sock model
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
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You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney