Joe is yelling at the trees again.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
