I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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