you guys were way drunker than both of me
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend