I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
