O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
