So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
did i just pee glitter
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
