do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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