Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
