at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
