Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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