I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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