the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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