at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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