well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
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it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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