he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
