Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
