Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
