awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
