"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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