Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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