Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
