Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i came on her dog
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
