my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
