i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
