I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
