Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
