coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
