haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
