So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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