My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
