it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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