Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
