This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
