jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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