I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
