he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
