Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
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