i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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