Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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